Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
