High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
