Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
