dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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