I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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