whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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