the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
