Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
