Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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