Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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