I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
