Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
