i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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