Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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