I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
