Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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