This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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