3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
