I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
