dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We just shotgunned beers for America
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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