The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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