She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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