I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
