you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
