He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
