The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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