All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
