Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
