Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
whose ass print is on the piano?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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