If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
