Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
