I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
