I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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