You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
