somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
