Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You dont lie about slip and slides
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
