at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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