Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
