This is not my ceiling
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Damn victory sex feels great
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
