hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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