just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize