Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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