are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
