we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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