Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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