the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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