My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
