dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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