Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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