There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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